Wrestling with Oneself

　　Dragging a luggage trolley along, I stepped onto Nin Ming Road to head for HKBTS’s Opening Convocation. I still remember that moment. I felt lighthearted, and my only thought was: “Wherever you lead me, Lord, I’ll go.” I then knew little about the call of God and only knew that I would entrust myself to God. I could not imagine what would happen after that. Today, after four years, God did not ask me to go to a foreign land, nor did I need to leave my country, my relatives, or my father’s house. God led me to return to Macau where I am going to learn to shepherd His church.

Practical Knowledge: Learning to Care for the Needs of Others

　　Every spring term the Seminary will arrange for new students to share their testimonies of God’s call. All seminary students have their own experience of God’s call, which is so very unique and precious. New students take turns sharing their life stories during the morning chapels. Many of them have already firmly committed themselves to ministry at church while other students have already set clear goals for their future ministry. However, I am not the same as them! They are a group of students who respond to God’s call to walk on the path of consecration and take the program for ministerial preparation; as for me, my course of study is the Master of Christian Studies, a basic theological training program whose target students are lay people and staff from Christian organizations. I study to equip myself—not to be trained to be a pastor. When asked whether I would apply to take the Master of Divinity Program to be trained as a pastor, I had an inexplicable aversion. But why? Gradually I have come to understand: from the very beginning, I lacked confidence and I regarded myself as not worthy of being a pastor. Therefore, every time the issue was brought up, I would become very uncomfortable.

　　Although I had been with my church ministry for quite some time, I did not read or study the Bible seriously, neither did I share my experience of being born again with anyone. Furthermore, there were in fact many instances of me sinning against God. I could never have imagined that God would use me—such a useless vessel. All I could hope for was to pursue knowledge and to learn more about my Christian faith; in addition, I also needed to overcome my fear of reading English books in order to enable myself to undertake further studies in the future. For this reason, I gathered up enough courage to apply to study in the Seminary, however, I dared not even say that I could always wake up early enough in the morning to catch the ferry and the bus to come all the way from Macau to the Seminary on time for each lesson. Nor could I guarantee that as a part-time student I could finish the program within five years.

　　Nevertheless, God’s thoughts are higher than man’s thoughts. Looking back at the past, I truly thank God for steadily encouraging me through these four years to come to understand His calling and enabling me to learn obedience and step onto the path of consecration.

　　One day during our class lesson, our teacher mentioned that he preferred to be called a pastor more than a doctor or a professor. I did not expect that these few sentences were so powerful; however, they affected me and reminded me to reexamine my own direction in life. Another time when I chatted with another teacher, she mentioned that when we were willing to respond to God’s call and accept theological training, ultimately the school fee and the daily needs could not stop anyone. From then on, almost every day in my campus life, God took apart the thoughts that had made me stumble in the past and allowed me to restructure my life.

　　When I was under a lot of stress, struggling to read the English and biblical languages in the textbooks, struggling with theological and ethical questions, feeling dizzy, and buried in my class assignments, I felt as though I was only a fine sand amidst an ocean. However, God led me to understand: if man pursues knowledge and erudition alone, life will never be complete; only the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Afterward, God allowed me to have the experience of living in the students’ quarters. Through this and the class club, I had more opportunities to have fellowship with my fellow students and we learned to serve one another in a reciprocal way. We went through the rough times in life together. During such times, we counted God’s blessings in each other’s lives as we mutually kept watch over each other.

　　Teachers’ teachings and life examples coupled with my fellow-students’ openness and friendliness helped to gradually change my goal of merely trying to obtain knowledge. Through the support and encouragement of brothers and sisters at my practicum church, God allowed me to experience His abundant grace more deeply. And so I began to think over and over again: what a precious and beautiful thing it is to be a pastor at church! Yielding oneself and willingly caring for the needs of others is such an important lesson to learn! In the past, I was not willing to engage in in-depth conversations with others because I did not want to spare the effort to bear someone else’s struggle or pain.

　　God’s calling, however, had a life-changing effect on me. Upon the exhortation and intercession of teachers, fellow students, pastors, brothers, and sisters, gradually I became willing to obey the prompting and call from God to shoulder a more beautiful vocation; gradually I learned to be considerate and to care for the needs of others. Owing to God’s step-by-step leading and the day-by-day changes in my life, during the second school year I became a full-time student. After graduating from the Master of Christian Studies Program with the encouragement and support of teachers, pastors, and my church, I went one step further and enrolled in the M.Div. Program.

Internal Struggles: Learning to Be Humble and Honest

　　Our teachers are willing to listen and take an active part in caring for the needs of students. It is through our teachers that the love of God surrounds this disciple community. As students study and live on campus, they not only have a heavy load of homework assignments, tests and examinations, sometimes they have to shoulder the heavy burden of family and church as well. Teachers and staff of the seminary always sincerely care for our needs and offer intercessions for our troubles.

　　I remember at the time when I was preparing to take the M.Div. Program, I was under great pressure mentally and physically. It was not an easy task to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead. Because of the fact that I had not fully immersed myself in the church community in the past, I always found myself powerless in coping with homework assignments. In addition, I kept assuming that other students were better than me, deepening my sense of fatigue. This sense of powerlessness was one that I had never experienced before, not even in the days when I furthered my studies in education and professional drama. I used to be very proud and would not want to expose my own weaknesses in front of others. Yet, the more I tried to conceal and disguise these weaknesses the more I felt more frustrated.

　　I thank God that as many teachers in the Seminary habitually returned to work in their offices in the evenings, during the two or three evenings when I was both confused and worried, I knocked on their doors and my teachers were willing to listen and pray for me. I was touched that even when the teachers’ desk were covered with books and students’ assignments, they were still willing to take a break and offer exhortations and encouragement. The care and exhortation from President Cho to us graduating students further helped me to open the door of my heart to share my inner struggle and thoughts with trustworthy fellow students and pastors. I was thus willing to establish a sincere relationship in this disciple community by following what Jesus commanded and putting the idea of loving one another into practice. Besides imparting me with erudition and knowledge, the Seminary’s theological equipping has helped me to know the real me and to learn obedience and submit to God’s sovereignty.

　　Looking back over this period when I wrestled with myself, I must thank God for changing my life and allowing the group of seminary students to study together, care for one another as we learnt from Christ, and to love one another. In the days ahead, we are willing to abide by the Seminary’s motto: Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. (2 Timothy 2:15)