God’s Call to Me Remains Unchanged for Ten Years

Tsz-chiu and Kit-ming

Lingering between Consecration and Desertion

　　As early as ten years ago, the thought of serving God full time began to emerge. In the past months, my mind lingered between consecration and desertion. I had once made up my mind to follow my yearning to serve God full time, then there was also a time when I felt downhearted, shedding tears as I refused to accept God’s call.

　　As a child, I followed my elder sister to church where I came to know Jesus in Sunday School. At that time, I enjoyed going to church on Sundays to have fun with other children. However, I had some doubts about the Bible stories but I had never dared to mention them to anyone. In primary four, I studied in a school with no religious affiliation. Unknowingly, I gradually drifted away from God.

　　My remaining primary and secondary school life quickly passed by. In 2001, I began to study in Shu Yan College and came to join Shu Yan Students Christian Fellowship. Through their fine Christian witness, God helped me once again take my Christian faith seriously and I renewed my consecration to God. Despite my inner struggles and doubts that I still could not live a good Christian life, the Bible gave me a definite answer. Christianity demands that a Christian should not only confess his sin and believe in Jesus’ resurrection, but he also needs to submit his life’s sovereignty to God. This instruction from the Bible awakened me and I once again asked God to come into my heart, as I dedicated my life’s sovereignty to Him.

　　In these fiery years of my studies, I also learned to read God’s Word and listen to what He was saying to me. The instructors in the fellowship led us to do group Bible study and taught us how to follow Christ as His disciples according to the teachings of the Bible. Studying the Word of God amazed me. I was astounded to find that the scriptures I read as a university student were much more in-depth in meaning than the Bible stories I had heard as a child. At that time I deeply felt that if I could bring a person to God through His Word that would be very meaningful. Therefore, I determined to be a pastor, dedicating myself to teaching people the truth in the Bible. Soon after that, I had had lunch with my mother and I asked her, “If I studied in a seminary to become a pastor, what would you say?” Her immediate active and positive response was music to my ears. It was a confirmation from someone who might have refused me. From then on, the seed of “studying in a seminary to become a pastor” began to grow in my heart day by day.

From Spiritual Depression I Experienced God’s Wholly Acceptance

　　After graduation, I was able to find a job quickly but soon after that my Christian pilgrimage fell to a low ebb. From 2006 to 2007, I went through a period of spiritual depression when I did not read the Bible, pray, do personal devotional and join any Christian worship or fellowship. I doubted myself fundamentally. When I faced my true self, I considered myself to be unworthy of being called a “Christian,” nor even a “good person.” Although I was not indulging in a life of luxury, I was like someone lost on the open sea as every day I led a meaningless life without direction.

　　Yet, the grace of God is sufficient as He led me to work in an organization serving mentally handicapped people. I was able to move into their quarter and live with them. During that time, even when I lost my temper for no good reason a few times, they continued to accept me, even taking the initiative to talk with me and forgiving me again and again. God made use of the experience in those days to lead me to reflect: Did not the pure, true love, and tolerance of this group of mentally handicapped people reveal to me that God not only deeply understood my deep-rooted bad habits but also accepted me wholly as a sinner? I came to realize how my own sinful nature had been troubling me and I knew that I needed to return to God’s grace once again.

From Self-Negation to God’s Affirmation

　　In 2008, I returned to my mother church, Kwun Tong Swatow Baptist Church and began learning and growing once again. Two years later, I had the opportunity to share with the pastor my resolution to serve God full time. He encouraged me to bring along “the scripture verse that goes to the depth of my heart” to a retreat where I could search for God’s will. Just when I was all prepared and about to go on my retreat, I was suddenly beset by my dark side which made me feel unworthy of God’s call and caused me to question my true motives for serving God full time. On the way to the retreat center, I became aware of a certain building. One side of its outer wall had been repainted, making it look clean and tidy as well as new and bright. However, the paint was peeling off in many parts of the other side of the wall so that it looked extremely ruined. The image of this building helped me realize that God knows both my bright outlook and my gloomy inside. Despite my own unworthiness, I was encouraged to know that God clearly knows who I am. I then was able to pluck up my courage to continue going forward in search of His will for my life.

　　After arriving at the retreat center, I continued to pray, read the Bible and sing hymns, and to study the scripture narrative on the “rich young man” recorded in three of the gospels. It was this passage that struck me to the depth of my heart. Every time when I considered practicing literally the teaching of “selling everything you have,” I was worried and wondered whether I would have to sell everything I had. That day, when I studied that passage in detail, I found that I had missed another key point: “Give to the poor.” It turned out that I had focused on “selling everything you have” and failed to notice that the scripture reminds me to share what I have with those poor in spirit. I had missed that the scripture verse calls me to teach the biblical truths I know to those who are poor in spirit, sharing with them the love of God, and caring for my brothers and sisters in need.

　　Leaving the retreat center, I saw at the entrance the warm light of the setting sun through the branches of a big tree. This picture reminded me of an almond tree branch mentioned in the first chapter of Jeremiah as God’s promise that He will certainly keep watch to make sure His Word is fulfilled. On that day, God reaffirmed that since He had called me, He would ensure I would have enough faith to follow Him in going forward and to learn to store up treasures in heaven.

How Can I Race with Horses?

　　Three months later, in mid 2010, I began working as an administrative clerk in my mother church. At that time, I was taking a certificate program in Christian Education. Joining the ranks of those serving in my mother church enabled me to have more learning opportunities and to embark upon a journey of an in-depth reflection of my Christian faith. At my work post, I needed to cope with all kinds of problems that were related to my church’s shepherding work, to determine my own view among diverse opinions, and to find a balance between accommodating love and giving clear guidance. After a year and a half, I found myself physically and mentally exhausted and I also saw that my passion for the gospel was gradually fading.

　　In December 2011, I went through a non-peaceful Christmas Eve. That night I felt depressed and I wanted to quit my post to avoid my current predicament by using the excuse that I was applying to study in a seminary. But in fact, not only did I want to resign from my work at the church, but I even also wanted to cast aside my call from God! Just when I could stand it no more, a scripture verse popped up in my mind: “If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?” (Jer. 12:5)

　　Having finished the church’s Christmas Eve activity, I returned home and found my wife sound asleep. Then I alone prayed to God in the sitting room. When I prayed, I began confessing that I had abused God’s gift by saying something I should not have said, that at times I was presumptuous, and that I had many evil thoughts, even to the point of assuming that I was acting in a righteous way. At that moment, the picture of “racing with horses” once again hovering in my mind. I became aware that God knew well what an awful state of mind I had been in. Still, He kept telling me clearly: “If you could not help feeling tired upon walking a certain distance along this path today, how can you compete with horses in the future? In the days to come, as a pastoral worker, you have to face situations much more difficult and complicated than today’s problems, are you willing to face them by counting on me?” Both God’s warning and consolation enabled me to affirm my consecration and response to God’s call to be a pastor to proclaim the Bible’s truth. Perhaps the road in the future will be more difficult than today’s road, but I am convinced that whatever may happen, God will still be with me and make me a fortified city, an iron pillar, and a bronze wall. Through His support, I will have renewed strength from Him to face everything.

The Call from God Has Never Changed

　　Reflecting upon my struggle and my wanderings along the road of consecration throughout the past ten years, one thing is for sure: God has been calling me from the very beginning. He shepherds those who are poor in spirit and those thirsty for righteousness, bringing them back to Him with teachings in the Bible. Although I must face my own limitations and all kinds of difficulties, none of these will stop me from continuing to commit myself to serve God because He has always kept watch over the call that He put in my heart.

　　Before I applied to study in the seminary, I had asked my mother once again, “What would you say if I go to study theology and to become a pastor?” Her response was no longer as active and positive as before but she was still willing to support me with other family members. In face of this problem, the things I had to consider were admittedly different from those of ten years ago for I now had a family of my own and I had a completely different set of commitments. I thank God for my mother’s support and also for my wife, Kit-ming, who had always co-walked with me in these few years. She has not only gone through the whole process of how I has experienced God’s call, but has also fully supported me to set out on the road of consecration.

　　Throughout these ten years, God’s call to me has not changed. God, who is the author and finisher of my faith, has paved the way for me, leading me to study and be trained at HKBTS. From now on, I am willing to study the Bible in greater depth. I also hope that God will strengthen me in my weaknesses and rebuild my life so that I can offer up to Him service that is pleasing to Him and become a servant who shepherds His sheep, teaching them faithfully.