Have I Heard God’s Call Wrongly?

Constant Struggle: Have I Heard God’s Call Wrongly?

　　Since I entered the Seminary in 2006, I have spent four years equipping myself in theology. Throughout these four years, I have found myself tossed about by strong winds and high waves. My seminary studies were often affected by upheavals and human crises around me. I prayed, asking God: “Do I have the ability to finish my seminary study after all?” I even asked God, “Have I heard Your call wrongly?” In these few years, I experienced this inner struggle repeatedly. But God time and time again showed me His kindness and grace in the midst of my struggles, helping me re-establish my trust and dependence on Him. As a result, I came to a deeper understanding of His faithfulness and mercy.

　　Both my family needs and my physical health imposed limitations on my studies. Looking back I recall that it was with fear that I entered the Seminary. It was 2006 when our daughters were then aged six and eight. As we had had no domestic helper, I had to care for my two daughters after school every day and do all the housework. Added to this, I have had thyroid gland function disorder since 2001, causing my health condition to fluctuate. This condition made me feel unwell to varying degrees, making it impossible for me to concentrate fully on my studies. Although this problem continued to impede my studies, the Lord kept encouraging me with His word, allowing me to experience His boundless grace in spite of my limited strength: I was sustained by the verse, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)

Unfastening the Knot in My Heart: Understanding Myself and God Anew

　　I could never have imagined in these few years of seminary studies that I would experience so many unforeseen upheavals in addition to the expected difficulties. I found myself upset and disheartened by all that was going on around me. Every day I experienced both emotional and physical discomfort. Seeing that my schoolmates were free to devote all their time and energy to studying while my burdens and responsibilities grew heavier, I could not help asking God: “Have I heard Your call wrongly?” “How on earth can I ever finish with my seminary studies?” In 2008, my husband received God’s call and entered the Seminary to equip himself. That meant we had to face even greater difficulties and challenges in adjusting our lives and studies.

　　Through this predicament, the Lord displayed His great healing power to me by transforming and renewing my life. He helped me see from a totally new perspective how my past experience had caused me to see myself through a distorted lens. As a result, I had covered up the “person” God had originally created in me. I had even developed a distorted view of God. Becoming aware of all this, I realized that even as I prepared to be a preacher, I did not know myself or God as well as I had always thought. In fact, my understanding of myself and of God was quite shallow!

　　Although I have always seen myself as a sinner before God, I found myself in a predicament in which I lacked the strength to overcome my negative attitudes. In these difficult days, I realized that my life was filled with grudges and resentment. There was a knot in my heart because I was not willing to let go the hurts and wounds inflicted by people and forgave them. As long as this knot remained in my heart, I could not get past my resentment of people and negative events in my daily life. When I faced this unhealthy state of mind, I was prompted to admit my helplessness before God. As a result, I asked God to have mercy on me so that I could once again know Him with a heart of humility.

Learning to Be Humble: Deeply Experienced What a Sinner I Am

　　Thank God for His tender mercy as He worked through various teachers’ pastoral care and prayers, helping me better understand myself and understand God anew. It was God who taught me to be humble. Then I came to discover humility based on deep understanding of what sinners we really are. In ordinary days, we cover up our sin but in tough times, most of us cannot escape the bondage of sin or overcome sin with our own willpower. Once again I came to understand that I am truly a sinner. It was through God’s grace that I realized how unworthy I was to receive His sacrificial love. However, this sense of unworthiness helped me see how precious I am in His sight! This new understanding of my own worth before God has helped me see people and situations in a new perspective. God has helped me see that though everyone has his own weakness, in His eyes, everyone is equally precious. Without God’s mercy, none of us can stand before God.

　　God has shown mercy to me and keeps no record of my wrongdoings. Instead, He continues to guide me to learn mercy and show mercy to others. God’s mercy and grace in forgiving my sin has enlightened me to understand humility grounded in the self-worth and the sense of security God bestows upon us. I realized that not only do I need God’s forgiveness of my sin, but I also need to experience other people’s accommodation and pardon for my wrongdoing.

　　I am a perfectionist. In the past, although I would make allowances for others’ difficulties and needs, I would still focus on their faults and shortcomings. As I also need other people’s forgiveness of my mistakes, how then can I pay so much attention to their faults and shortcomings? God led me to understand that I must first be merciful to others before I can truly learn to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. This merciful spirit cannot come from us who are no better than anyone else and who lack the power to bless others. Instead it must come from God, the source of mercy and grace. It is He who has accepted me as one who was once in bondage of sin. It is God who can make us willing to follow His example to accept and tolerate others through His grace. Only through His help can we let go past wounds and forgive those who inflicted pain on me.

God’s Grace Is Sufficient: From Breaking through Limitations to a Renewal of Life

　　God’s healing liberated my heart and soul, allowing me to begin to re-adjust my point of view and to develop new thought patterns to understand myself and discover God anew. May God continue to bestow upon me His grace and mercy so that I can continue learning such a lesson, which may take a lifetime.

　　In these four years, although every day I had to struggle to face my family’s needs and the limitations of my physical health, I can testify that the Lord’s grace has always been sufficient. Through schoolmates’ loving understanding, assistance and supplement, the Lord has enabled me to finish the program requirements according to my limited capability.

　　God has not only equipped me with theological knowledge but through teachers, staff, and schoolmates, He has also built me up and helped me in all circumstances so that my life has been constantly renewed and transformed. I have also experienced how precious it is to be a part of the body of Christ Jesus. At this point, I want to give thanks to every teacher, staff, and schoolmate for their loving service and continued support. I deeply hope that as a band of God’s servants, we can see how God consolidates our faith in Him, so that in whatever circumstances we find ourselves, we can serve Him faithfully until we die.