Encounters: Experiencing Threefold Grace along My Theological Journey

　　One day in June, a classmate suddenly sent me a message: “Good morning, Qiuyu. It just occurred to me that you’ve never told me why you decided to pursue further studies at the seminary. You’ve sacrificed so much—especially your family life—so what’s the motivation and reason behind it?” I gave a few vague reasons and admitted that sometimes I might not fully understand the choices that I have made. On the journey of theological study, one may begin without clear reasons, yet still encounter God’s grace in unexpected ways. Beyond gaining knowledge and insight, this is a journey of inner growth above all. I have come to encounter my true self, to encounter God, and to encounter a genuine community of faith.

Encountering Myself: Embracing My True Nature amidst My Brokenness

　　Since childhood, I have been what you might call a “well-behaved” person. In school, I was considered a “good girl” and a “good student.” After getting married, I became a well-rounded homemaker. At church, I dedicated myself to being a humble servant of Christ. I always secretly demanded to myself that I would never let others down and I would always do my very best. But, while reading Parker J. Palmer’s book Let Your Life Speak, I was challenged with this question: “Are you happy right now?” I felt crushed, thinking that it may actually be true that “the life I am living is not the same as the life that wants to live in me.” This idea terrified me. I had simply sought to live in a “holy” way, but in reality, that was not my true self. In solitude and silence, I realized I barely knew what I actually liked to eat or what I truly wanted to do. I became aware of many inconsistencies between my inner and outer selves, and this disconnect left me feeling lost. I was merely masking my inner emptiness and brokenness with various identities and activities.

　　I tried to face my true self: chaotic, exhausted, confused, and helpless. I admitted that there were many things I could not do, and I acknowledged my weaknesses and needs. This was not a failure, but the beginning of faith.

Encountering God: Responding to His Call in Stillness

　　Prayer is sometimes difficult for me. My religious upbringing led me to believe that devout people spend a great deal of time kneeling before the Lord in prayer. In the past, my prayers were mostly me speaking—letting God listen—or telling God my needs and waiting for Him to fulfill them. It was as if I were the initiator and God were the one responding. Lectio Divina and Centring Prayer have been very helpful to me. What both have in common is that one must be still before God, listen to His voice, and obey the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

　　Now I realize that in my relationship with God, I have never been—and should never be—the one taking the initiative, but rather the one responding. God came to seek me out; it was He who first longed for me (as Augustine said). Whether it be trusting, serving, or praying, these are not merely my actions, but His. All I need to do is to be still and listen to Him, the Father who has been extending His invitation and calling to me all along, and to trust that His love is forever steadfast.

Encountering Community: Building up One Another in Diversity

　　A classmate once said that there are mostly introverts at seminary and that I am very extrovert. Some say that introverts make up the majority in churches, which makes it difficult to run activities. My experiences in faith communities over the past two years have taught me that what truly binds a genuine community together is not a personality type, but whether we are all willing to adjust ourselves in Christ. The foundation of fellowship has never been whether people are kindred spirits, or whether their personalities mesh, but rather communion through Jesus Christ and in Jesus Christ (as Dietrich Bonhoeffer said).

　　Without Christ, even well-matched lovers can drift apart, let alone a group of people who were once strangers to one another. Within the community, people may differ in age, perspective, and personality—for example, some are rational, and others emotional. These differences are precisely the gift God has given to the community, for each of us can see only one aspect of God. But when we listen to one another and learn from one another, the image of God becomes more complete among us.

　　I am grateful that during my theological journey, I met fellow pilgrims who are different from me. They are like brothers, pastors, teachers, and friends who offer me acceptance, respect, support, guidance, help, and companionship, giving me a deeper personal understanding of the truth that the church is the body of Christ. Though we are so different, we can build each other up.

　　May God continue to bestow His grace and guidance, so that in every moment I may encounter Him and every person He has placed in my life.