Dedicated to God: Being Torn Down and Built Up Again

Not Missing Out on Following Jesus

　　I was brought up in a Christian family, where I was the only child. Since I was young, I went to church—Fanling Baptist Church—with my parents, and attended Sunday service as well as Sunday school. I prayed to become a Christian two to three times when I was a kid, but I did it for fun instead of having a will to commit myself to be changed by God, without any serious consideration about the relationship between Christian faith and myself.

　　Until the summer when I entered Form three, my pastor shared a message that stirred me profoundly at my church’s youth camp. He spoke about the story of the rich young man and Jesus. The rich young man asked Jesus, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” (Mt 19:16) Jesus told him that he should keep the commandments. The young man replied that he had kept all of them since his youth and asked Jesus what he still lacked. Jesus then told him to sell his possessions, and give to the poor, and then follow him. Nevertheless, after the young man heard this, he went away sad because he had great wealth.

　　After having listened to this story, I was immensely moved with tears flowing down from my eyes. I recognized how mischievous and arrogant I was. Now was the time to live out a genuine Christian life, and let God manage my life. I did not want to become that young man; I did not want to miss out on the chance to follow Jesus. At that time, I prayed to become a Christian with some brothers and sisters. I sensed that my prayer was different from the past, because I had never been touched by God’s Word and His Spirit like this before, and I had never truly felt my own unworthiness and mischievousness in front of God before.

Did You See?

　　In the summer of 2010, I joined the summer camp organized by my mother church. The theme was “Did You See?” and the theme verse was: “See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant.” (Jer 1:10) The committee of the camp invited President Joshua Cho of Hong Kong Baptist Theological Seminary (HKBTS) as the speaker of the three-night Bible Study gathering, which would explore how the prophet Jeremiah was called and how he responded to God’s calling.

　　In the camp, I was greatly touched by the experience of the prophet Jeremiah. I knew that my life had many imperfections, and I desired God to tear down all the things that he found displeasing in me, so that He can use me. In the words of the theme verse, my life still had many things that had to be “uprooted, torn down, destroyed and overthrown” by God, and then I could be “built and planted” anew. I, however, constantly doubted whether I should commit myself to be equipped for full-time theological training, because I was young; I had neither graduated from secondary school nor worked, thus lacking life experience. When I thought of a pastor being required to preach in the pulpit, I worried even more and was afraid that I could never manage to do that. The message of President Cho, nonetheless, reminded and encouraged me: the foundation of Jeremiah’s ministry was not human ability but God’s omniscience and sovereignty. When Jeremiah heard God’s calling, he refused it by claiming that he was young and incapable of speaking. However, God did not let him go. He promised to be with Jeremiah and put His word into Jeremiah’s mouth, just as He did with Moses.

　　After the third night sermon, there was a time of dedication. While my pastor, Rev. Yip, was leading us to sing a response song “May God Use Me,” he summoned brothers and sisters who were touched to respond to God’s call during the camp to come out and make a commitment. At that moment, I could not stop crying. I was both stirred and frightened by this moment. I would like to accept God’s call, but I was also afraid and wanted to reject it. Then, Rev. Yip reminded us, “Do not hesitate because it does not seem right under the present circumstances; instead, you should respond to God’s call at the right time, and He will then guide your way ahead step by step. The process may be difficult, but by God’s grace, you will make it eventually. I finally mustered up my courage and came to Rev. Yip together with two other brothers and committed myself to receive full-time theological training.

Of What You Cannot Let Go?

　　After the camp, although the pastors encouraged me to pray earnestly for direction with regard to full-time theological study and let God make a way for me at the proper time, I was occupied with study and preparations for the public examination. Thus, I did not pray hard for this calling and determined in my heart that I would probably work for one or two years before beginning my studies at the seminary.

　　After graduating with an associate degree, I decided not to continue my study, and I started working in a Christian bookstore. In this period, I gradually loved reading different kinds of spiritual writings; these books guided me to ponder more on my faith, and I gained insights and encouragement from the experiences of more mature Christians.

　　At the beginning of 2017, brothers and sisters began to ask me, “Are you still working in the bookstore?,” “When will you go to school again?,” “Didn’t you promise to enter a seminary for theological study?” Indeed, I had always been struggling with receiving theological training deep down. Once, I shared my heartfelt struggles with a brother who was studying at a seminary, and I asked him, “How can I know this is the time for me to go to seminary?” He answered, “First, you have to ask yourself what you cannot let go of in your life, and this is the homework God assigns to you.” This was a piece of timely advice. Not having attained any great accomplishment since my youth, I found a sense of achievement in my work in the bookstore; it was this “comfort zone” that I did not want to leave. I discovered that my job was what I could not let go of.

A Note from Livingstone

　　After that, I came upon a passage in The Biography of David Livingstone which encouraged me once again:

A one-time burden of wanting to be a missionary can never assure one will walk on this path for his entire life. A one-time revival in faith can never guarantee one will walk till the end. Those who can walk until the end are people who let Jesus Christ’s faith transform their lives and character. When I was young, I wondered how one can preach without eloquence. And if we do not preach, how can we evangelize? I found out later that the message of gospel is closely entwined with the life of the evangelist. The goal of evangelism is not to complete a fabulous mission. It is not for realizing our own dreams. And it is absolutely not for changing others. Genuine evangelism is to reach everyone you meet with your genuine life and do what you should do in your daily life.

This paragraph persuaded me to seize the moment to equip myself through theological training. I do not have to worry whether I am competent or not, because I am not working for God with my own ability; instead, I can merely confess my inability, accept the imperfections in my life and offer myself to Him. What God cares about is not one’s talent, but one’s servant heart. Moreover, I do not have to worry about my living expenses.

On the Way to Self-offering

　　After this, I prayed, chatted with pastors and people who studied at a seminary, and I participated in the Full-time Ministry Exploration Camp organized by HKBTS. All this helped me understand further that God may not show me His will in a particular way, and I should rather discern how God calls me through people I meet and events that happen in my daily life. I found that many people surrounding me asked God for “signs,” and I had also prayed for the same but in vain. Afterwards, I realized that not everyone called is given a grand sign before one steps on the path of self-offering to God; if you are touched by His will, it is sufficient. Therefore, I decided to send an application to the seminary in response to God’s call to me in these eight years. Thanks to God, I was admitted by HKBTS. In the coming four-years of life at the seminary, I hope that I can be enriched not only by knowledge from books, but also by offering myself holistically: to be torn down and be rebuilt by God, so I may learn more about myself, experience God, and live peacefully with others!

　　May glory be to the Triune God!