It Is You Who Wants Me to Let Go

Stumbling and searching for love

　　During my adolescence, I was a rebellious and egoistic person who sought attention from others. From childhood my family was full of all sorts of trouble. Finding my family life unsatisfying, I thirsted for other people’s love and began dating since I was in form 3. In 2003, my boyfriend whom I had dated for five years suggested we breakup. I was deeply hurt, cried everyday upon waking up, gradually ran out of steam, and even gave up my studies.

　　Thank God that during that period, a friend of mine shared the gospel of Christ with me. It was through her care and encouragement that I managed to see the love of the Lord who helped me endure those days of darkness. I resolved to follow Jesus. But at that time I did not know much about the Christian faith and still took charge of my own life, selfishly asking God to help me. Being accustomed to seeking love from romantic love, I soon began a new romance which ended in another breakup. After that painful experience, I took the initiative to ask my former boyfriend to begin a new relationship. I assumed I had found the one that I really loved.

　　I was baptized in 2008 and resolved to follow Christ and to learn to serve. However there was a great tension between me and my boyfriend who was not a Christian. Our values varied more and more. I hoped to learn about “love” from the Bible by first learning to love God, seeking the unchanging love of God, and then learning to love men. Yet, the more I got close to God, the greater the struggle between me and my boyfriend. After struggling and feeling restless for more than a year, I proposed a breakup. I knelt to ask for my Lord’s forgiveness, asking Him to be Lord of my life from then on, to help me know Him more and to devote myself to ministries of the church.

Imbalance in ministry and beginning a new journey again

　　In the following five years, I was a group leader for a group of young people and constantly saw many young people gradually withdrawing from the church after coming to Christ. I did not know what to do but hoped that I could be trained to help myself and others to lay a good foundation for my Christian faith. Since my church had not offered any appropriate training, I turned to theological programs offered by Christian organizations to learn not only how to be a group leader but also to learn about counseling and spiritual healing. At that time, even worse, the fellowship for professional youth came to a halt. I was frustrated. Owing to the loss of brothers and sisters, my church ministry was off balance and my faith was becoming adversely affected. I was grateful that every time I went back to the word of God, my heart was brightened.

　　In May 2014, my fiancé King-yan and I attended HKBTS’s Concert of Praise with the theme “On Earth as in Heaven.” That night King-yan received God’s call and planned to be equipped for full-time ministry. His plan was to enter the seminary the following September and our wedding ceremony would also be held in the same month. I was very upset by his unexpected plan. Incidentally there had been difficult circumstances in my church and both King-yan and I felt an imbalance in ministry as we were spiritually tired. Added to the great discrepancy to my fiance’s plan, we sought pre-marital counseling and yet came up with no resolution.

　　Several months ago something happened in the church that drove Kan-yan and me to consider leaving for another church. We thanked God for leading us to Tai Po Christian & Missionary Alliance Church near our home. They have morning prayer meetings everyday where we can come close to God and pray in silence. After the meeting, we can always talk with brothers and sisters and the pastor during breakfast where we can explore our Christian faith deeper. Because this church emphasizes the word of God, we have been assisted to grow and be renewed through the word of God and prayer. During that time God led me to reflect upon my whole experience of faith and to set off on the journey once again counting on His abundant grace. Later, I once again learned to serve in a youth fellowship in this church.

Understanding that God would want me to let go

　　In August 2015, I joined a short-term mission team to visit churches in Mainland China and to organize a three-day-two-night summer camp for local students. Throughout the trip whenever I heard about different experiences and testimonies about God’s grace, I would be deeply touched. I wished to serve God with our team members. In these few days my heart struggled because I understood that God would want me to let go ― let go of what I felt and support King-yan’s seminary study. Tears kept falling as I felt touched by the lives of one after another witnesses and I also shed tears for my own inner struggle. I did not expect that the meeting on the last day was on the theme “letting go.” At the consecration call, I finally responded God by saying, “Yes, I do.” After so many struggles, I ended up letting go of my feelings and supporting King-yan to study in the seminary. I was immediately relieved and my heart was full of joy. More unexpected was when the speaker kept on making the full-time ministry call, my heart was beating very fast and my tears kept rolling down once again. This prompting and urging that evening drove me to stand up in response to God’s call.

　　Returning to Hong Kong, as I was busy preparing for my wedding in September, I was obsessed with the things that need to be done so much so that what had touched me in the mission trip gradually faded away. I kept telling myself not to be too compulsive. The response to God’s call need not be in a hurry as I can choose to let my husband study in the seminary first. As for myself, I can wait for a few years when the family finances are stable and I am mentally prepared.

　　A month after my wedding, I received a short message from the short-term mission team telling me that a teenager whom I had come to know in the camp had committed suicide. At that moment a verse emerged in my mind: “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” (Peter 5:8) I was very sad. I remembered God’s call during the trip and I came to realize that I had to act now and delay no longer. Once again I wanted to look for the call from God. Incidentally, another seminary organized a Dedication Camp in November. Through God’s wonderful leading, my husband and I could join together. In the camp, I was deeply moved as God helped unravel the knot in my heart and adjust the way I see things — not from a human point of view but from God’s. Accordingly, my husband and I decided to study in the seminary together to be equipped for full-time ministry.

Before we pray

　　We hesitated about how to explain our resolution to take seminary study to our family. I did not expect that God had prepared an appropriate opportunity for us to explain our choice. Family of both sides invariably came to support our decision. In particular, my mother who is a devoted Buddhist has always had difficulty with my faith. But now, even she did not object. That was really incredible. We could not help praising God’s way of doing things. In addition, the church’s support was very important to us. Under the grace of God, we formally joined the Tai Po Christian & Missionary Alliance Church. The church and the chief pastor and other pastors have always been encouraging us. The church also recommended that we apply to study at HKBTS, and they have given us a lot of support. Praise the Lord for allowing us to experience His faithfulness and making our hearts so greatly encouraged. Although the study and ministry ahead may be difficult and full of challenges, we believe that as we look up to God’s grace, the difficulties and obstacles along the way can be overcome — because He knows what we need. Before we pray to Him, He has already prepared it for us.