What Am I Still Waiting for?

　　“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Mt 28:19-20)

　　“The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.” (Lk 10:2)

　　I have never developed the habit of memorizing Bible verses. However, for reasons unknown, in the second half of 2004, the above verses kept coming to my mind one after another. I kept pondering on them. In my prayers, I also asked God whether there was any special meaning and what He was trying to tell me.

　　On November 16 in the same year, I watched a TV gospel programme. I saw Dr. Philemon Choi recount his experience of how God called him to be a full time worker. While Dr. Choi was sharing, I felt that he was speaking particularly to me in my doubt. Therefore I asked God, “Do You want to use me, just like you use Dr. Choi? He feels a definite call to serve young people. But I don’t seem to have burden for any particular group of people. How can I be used by you?” A voice from inside immediately said to me, “Yes, you feel a burden to do women’s work!”

　　It had never occurred to me that I would be called by God. I was really scared! Did God really want to use me? Was the voice inside from God Himself? I had never been cut to the heart like this. I kept asking God to give me evidence to prove that He was indeed calling me.

　　One Sunday in early 2005, Mrs. Ip Ng Ching-lan preached in the worship service. She encouraged sisters and brothers to offer themselves to serve God full time. At that time, tears kept running down my cheek. I felt that the whole message was resonating with what I had been thinking. I was happy to discover that all the doubt in my mind had been resolved, “Do I look like a minister? Am I a devoted Christian? Am I good enough to be used by God?” The message reminded me all I had been worrying about were not significant issues. The most important issue was the single question: was I willing to respond to God’s calling and offer myself completely for His use?

　　I kept pondering this issue and prayed to God, “Is this really your voice?”

　　However, as a housewife and a mother of two children, how could I offer myself to God so casually? For me, full time ministry was like a pipe dream. Therefore, I laid aside this possibility for the moment.

　　Shortly afterwards, in a gospel programme, I heard a minister share the message of Luke 9:57-62 and talk about the conditions for following God. Verse 62 gave me a timely reminder: “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” Once more, I was strongly confronted by God’s calling.

　　In the second half of 2005, God kept giving me the same message: I had to treasure the time when I was alive and re-equip myself for God’s service. I thought repeatedly whether I should apply for admission to a theological seminary in the academic year 2006-2007. But I thought it was too soon to do this. I also felt that I still had not been firmly rooted in God’s Word and that I surely was wrong to think God could be calling me. Therefore I said to God, “Let me take four discipleship training courses to get myself more deeply rooted in your words so that I can understand your will more clearly.”

　　In September that year, I started taking the first course in discipleship training at my church. By April 2006, I had already completed the second course. During the six months’ training, God showed me through His Word the requirements, difficulties and blessings of one who seeks to be His servant. Just when I thought I could stop all learning and rest for a while, God again worked in my heart. He asked me to think seriously about serving Him full time. Frankly speaking, I was really very scared. I kept struggling in my heart, just like Jesus did in Gethsemane before the Passion because I knew that decision to serve God full time would have to be a life time committment. I can but move forward and not to step back when I encounter difficulties. Otherwise I would put God’s name to shame, causing people around me to sin. I was worried that I would not be able to stand all the hardship of ministry. Therefore I dared not respond to God.

　　However, God continued to use His Word to guide me. Through the visits and prayers of my church ministers, God kept reminding me to be strong and bold and to have a steadfast faith in Him, trusting Him to take care of me and my whole family. I began to realize He would keep what I entrusted to Him so that there would not be any deficiency. God also used Romans 12:1-2 to remind me, “…offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” Later, on June 2, I finally offered myself up to God. Since the deadline of the Hong Kong Baptist Theological Seminary for new student admission for the year 2006-07 had already passed, I was contented to apply for admission in September of next year. However, when I shared my plan with Mrs. Ip Ng Ching-lan, she reminded me that since my calling was very clear, I should seize the time to get equipped in a theological seminary as soon as possible. But I still hestitated, wishing that I could have a year’s time to make preparation.

　　Nevertheless, on June 28, when I sought after God’s will through reading the Bible, His Word prompted me to act immediately. God used the advice in Luke 12:45-47 to remind me, “But suppose the servant says to himself, ‘My master is taking a long time in coming,’ and he then begins to beat the menservants and maidservants and to eat and drink and get drunk. The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the unbelievers. That servant who knows his master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows.” God woke me up and led me to realize: Since I have already known God’s will, what was I still waiting for? I was only seeking a year’s comfort! But I should treasure time and life, make myself immediately available for God’s use and show myself to be a faithful servant!